Rant 12: The Incompetents Strike Back

Written December 29th, 2007


Three years, three raises and a promotion later, I'm still doing the same basic fucking job. You would think after awhile that you would reach the bottom of the barrel and run out of face palms caused by people who think yahoo is their operating system. No no, it has continued to get worst and people have kept up their trend that would make Darwin drink himself to death.

Tech support is a job that's very easy in theory. You call in with a problem, tell me what's wrong, and we run through a few things and try to uncover your problem and repair it. Obviously this is not the case. The first problem being that I cannot see what you see, no matter how much you assume it. I have a very concrete understanding of the computer's software workings and several hardware things that can cause malfunctions, but do not have every external device, application, and firewall memorized. It isn't even my fucking job to set up your printer or web TV. Wanna surf the web on your TV? Get a fucking Wii, I bet someone of your intelligence would enjoy "Carnival Games" anyways.

Another problem is that customers frequently call in and have no idea what they want accomplished. There is absolutely no way to please this people in reality, nor theory. No matter how simple everything can be made, they will still be angry if the computer doesn't download their messages, protect itself from viruses, run like it was overclocked with liquid nitrogen, bring up pages before they want them too, do their taxes, take the kids to school, make lunch, and give them a handjob without having to do more than think about it.

The particular call that inspired this rant was a woman who wanted all of her addresses from an email account from a different company transferred into outlook. The major catch, she had done this off their site. So basically we were moving information that no longer existed into a program that had to have been written by a monkey with Down syndrome. Of course she was infuriated when I explained why we couldn't do this, but we proceeded to set up outlook for the new email account regardless. Shits and giggles commence.

When every other question asked to her ends with "Uhhh...hmmmm.....hu.....I don't know." patience tends to wear thin quickly. She doesn't know her address, who her ISP is, what kind of connection she was paying for, or even her operating system. Holy shit waffles Bat Man! So that leaves me to play Ace Attorney and figure everything out.

"...Alright, are you on your desktop?"
"My what?"
"The computer's main display. It's the place you see when all of your windows are closed and you probably have about 2-7 icons."
"Uhh....I think."
"Your start button at the bottom, is it green?"
"What's a start button?"
"The Button that says Start."

It takes a very special kind of person.

Recently we did some mail server changes. Basically all clients were given an email that lead them to a website with a link to a walkthrough on the first page on what needed done in their mail programs. Basically they needed to go into outgoing server, and check "My outgoing server requires authentication." The main site had links with step by step walkthroughs with pictures. This caused 76% of our customer base to shit in their pants. Some were confused by the fact that they had to DO something, and others simply could not read. Though even with the most common problem? People clicking on the picture in the walk through. The pictures. The fucking pictures.

"Click Tools, then Accounts."

Apparently people cannot tell the difference between their outlook express program, and a picture of outlook express. You know what else gets confused by pictures? Dogs. FUCKING DOGS. Ever seen a dog see itself in the mirror and start barking, thinking it was another dog? Out customers apparently have the same IQ as a fucking dog. This means DOLPHINS are smarter than the average internet user. We should service Dolphins instead of people; it would certainly make my job shit tons easier. To put this a bit more into perspective, we have a Customer who lives alone and is BLIND, and another who is mentally handicapped. They did not need help with the walk through.

Right now it's Saturday. Yes, Holly Jolly fucking Saturday at the office. Friday before I left I had a person call in because his connection was slow. I walked him through a few things, and since it was less than an hour before we left for the day, I told him he would be getting a call most likely Monday morning, since our installers and repair guys already had full schedules for the weekend. This call would determine a time they would come out and fix his problem for him. For no charge. Saturday morning, he calls pissed off that we didn't send someone out after hours to fix his connection. After about an hour of him whining like a prepubescent girl, I call around and try to the best of my ability to get someone to look into/fix his problem, (Something I'm really not supposed to do) and tell him he'll be getting a call soon. About 15 minutes later the installer that was going to take care of it calls back and says the guy doesn't want anyone out there today. Yes, people just bitch to bitch. It is impossible to please them.