Rant 13: Kiri Vs. The Marines

Written, June 26, 2008


Everything changes with time. Bones bleach, rocks turn to sand, and I grow more bitter. It's been a while since I've done a new rant, so the kettle's steaming over. As you've noticed, we're at a new site. So this basically means it's all starting from scratch again. At least that gives me some fucking incentive to try.

But any energy I regain is immediately drained away every time I trudge into work. Now they're looking into moving me into a web position, the guy who makes sites instead of informs people that Yahoo isn't their operating system. Well, this sounds pretty damn wonderful until the phone rings. I could work at my desk with no problem for hours on end, fixing people's stupid mistakes on the server, maintaining other people's sites while my own collects so much dust that you'd need a snow blower to find it, but I guess stupidity follows you from position to position.

This week one of the more spectacular calls came from someone who's site had went down. They call in, I see that it isn't displaying right, back up their files, delete the old account, create a new one, reload their stuff, it's up again in about 10 minutes. As he's checking it again, he decides that the address bar is just too reliable, and that he needs some action. So tossing his site name into the search bar, we discover just how low in the barrel he is.

"It still ain't come'n up."

"...it works fine for me. You're putting this into the address bar, right?"

"Yes. No. I dunno. The Google Address bar?"

"No, that's a search bar. The longer bar, right under your title screen."

"OK, that works, but why ain't it come'n up in Google?"

"That runs an algorithm to decide what comes up on the first page. Apparently there's a more linked company with a similar name."


"It picks what comes up by figuring out who's actually linked more."

"Well don't I pay you guys to get it out there?"

"On the web yes, advertised, no."

From here it basically descends into him threatening to "go with someone else", because apparently we should be advertising him for free. Yeah, $180 a year gets you domain registration, storage space and thousands of dollars in advertising.

Next up in our parade of the nation's finest, the Marines. Seriously. From about March of this year.


"Hey buddy! How are you doing! Congrats on graduating!"

"....I havn't graduated from College yet."

"Uh, I ment High School!"

"...That was three years ago."

"Well, still congrats."

"Who is this?"

"It's the Marines man! How are you?" (This is the exact second I decide it isn't even worth humoring them today.)

"...Okay, I've asked you guys to stop calling, no thanks, I'm still not interested. By the way, your info on me must be kinda dated, just a heads up. Have a nice day."

Alright, it wouldn't be a story if it ended here, no no. Private Pissant wasn't taking no for an answer. But this time he wasn't going to get calm, intoxicated Fox. He got my MOTHER this time. Hilarity ensued.


"Mam, your son was VERY rude to me! He hung up while I was talking! Is this how he treats a Marine?! That boy needs some discipline!"

"..What do you want me to do, take away his keys? He's twenty one."

"Mam, I just want a little respect." (His voice becomes whiny.)

"He's asked you guys to stop calling on multiple occasions, you are showing disrespect by not honoring that."

"....Man, i just want a little respect."

"Well you arn't getting it from me." *Click*

Holy shit. Now you know where I get it from. So there you have it, I guess I can just stay out of the military, since apparently I'm mentally tougher than a fucking recruiter. If I don't sugar coat whatever I say, I can break down a god damned marine in less than a minute. Had I been completely sober, I could have probably broken him to tears in 30 seconds. Telling you to have a nice day is direct, telling you to climb a wall of dicks with your teeth is rude. Huh, must be a cultural thing.