Rant 4: Love in Video Games

Written November 11, 2005

 

I had, yet again saved the world. I thought about this last night, and decided that I'd "Saved the World" over a hundred times, and taken it over at least 5. Yeah, I'm one tough son of a bitch. Not only that, but I'd won the hearts of so many women, yet here I am, still spending Thursday Nights Alone on the Couch watching Adult Swim, Sketching, and eating chips.

Speaking of Game Babes, I'd be pissed if I was Mario. That bitch Peach ALWAYS gets kidnapped, and Mario ALWAYS saves her, but I'll bet she hasn't put out even once. She doesn't even give him a little "Thank You" kiss but once every few Games. Let's See, Super Mario World, Mario 64, and Mario RPG. Maybe in one of the Paper Marios, but I don't remember right now. That little guy's getting screwed. She's probably cheating on him with Link, Because I KNOW Zelda doesn't put out.

Ocarina of time Ending, "Thanks for saving the World and Time Stream, now go back to being a little Kid." Hopefully he still had the mind of a child and didn't realize just how many women He's missed his chance with. Yeah, Saria'd be sorta creepy, but from what I picked up on, even though she looked like a little girl, she was grown up, so It would be passable, and to hell with the idea of Ruto, But Like Malon, Link could have lived out the rest of his days on a Ranch that Ganondorf actually encouraged. But what's he do? Save a Princess who just stiffs his ass. It has to be a different Link each time, I think he'd be smart enough to just say "Fuck it" after the first or second Quest. That is if he could talk.

Aside from the fact that Sonic can't be hurt as long as he has a ring, and the fact that they are talking animals, it isn't that bad. Though they've had more than enough shots to put Eggman out of existence. But alot of the time they are working together when it happens. I think Sonic likes being the Hero. That's why he lets him live. I'm a big Sonic fan, and I've noticed alot of things that don't seem to "Fit". Sonic for instance, he only likes hanging around a little male Fox. And he actually RUNS from the only Chick that likes him. He's Gay. Obviously. If I was Sonic, I'd just take Amy. What are the odds you're gonna find another big mutant hedgehog? And even though she's Psycho, at least she's remotely cute. Knuckles. Pothead. He's gullible, and spends ALOT of time by himself. I really don't even like to consider the other option, but he DOES seem awful strong. Maybe it's a byproduct of being "Alone" all the time. Sometimes that universe is a little creepy. But Mario's is still worst. One word, "Birdo." Although I think she's technically a Girl now. Still creepy though.

It's ironic how the only game that seems to get this partially realistic has your guy standing still, get stabbed with a sword, and it fine aside from a few Hit Points. I'll pick on Final Fantasy 7, since most of you are familiar with it. When Aeris died, why didn't they just use a Phoenix down? I mean it's sorta NO SHI T. Only thing I can think I is "She was actually Dead, and when your character dies in Battle they are just KOed." But anyways, I think Tifa'd have...alot of back problems. I mean....how can I put this...her hooters are enormous. It's kinda funny actually. In the normal game play, she just looks "Gifted" but in the CGs, holy shit. On the last cut scene, had Cloud NOT grabbed her Hand, I think her Boobs would have saved her by putting most of her body weight on the edge of the Cliff.

Tifa: "Cloud! Pull me up! And Stop staring already!" At least in FF the Hero tends to get the girl, and you assume they get married and stuff.

Which reminds me of the Golden Saucer Date in FF7. Depending on how you treat a few characters, different ones will ask you out on a "date" during the Second Trip to the Golden Saucer. Aeris, Tifa, Yuffie, and, scarily enough, Barret. I did the first three, and just avoided the last one. Being alone with a Big Black guy seems kinda scary for little Cloud. Especially in this situation. Run Cloud, Run and don't look back. Something else I found a little Odd, was that Cloud actually gets the furthest with the only under aged one. In the Last ride, Yuffie gives him a kiss on the cheek, then slaps him when he won't say anything afterwards. Aeris and him just talked, and same with Tifa. I don't know what happens with Barret, I don't want to know, don't E-mail me. If you do I'll probably make fun of you for even unlocking it.

I don't know if things get more confusing than Mega Man Legends in the Love Department. Rock & Tron, She does occasionally try to kill him, but other than that, OK. But now for Rock & Roll. Personally, I wouldn't see a problem with them hooking up. #1 they arn't Really related, #2 I don't remember them ever being referred to as Brother and sister except maybe in the manual. And if you've played Alot of MM games, you'd KNOW those can't be trusted. So it's sorta like Rock is just Rooming with Roll and Barrel. That also makes it easier on the brain for all of those times Rock walks into the Bathroom and sees Roll Naked. And if you read her diary, if you consider them Brother and sister, it's even more creepy. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to view them as "Room mates."