Rant 7: Sega and the Elderly

Written February 27th, 2006

 

Old People Infuriate me. It's just insane how pissed an old person can make me. I don't hate all old people, just most of them. Old People's houses smell like mothballs, Old people can't get a sentence out, and they don't understand anything. Or is that what they WANT us to think? I think old people intentionally fuck with the younger generation because they get off to it. They like paying in pennies, they like driving slow, and they like coughing on you. They understand computers better than I do; they just act stupid because they have nothing better to do. When you're retired, it's harder to get your kicks. And they are pissed that they can't have sex anymore. Because nothing works. This isn't because they are old, it's divine justice. They fuck with us, now they can't fuck period. Chalk one up for us.

On a totally different topic, Sonic Riders is a steaming, maggot infested piece of shit. It's not fun, it's cheap, frustrating, and the Story is stupid and full of plot holes. It's like a fucking fan fiction. Like a Porno with no money shot. Fuck, not even a soft core scene. The story just drags ass, makes no sense, and you never feel like "That was worth it." I mean the Best part of the entire Game, Amy whacks sonic with a Hammer. Holy fuck! Second best Part, Knuckles is still dumb. That's it. The game BLOWS. I even liked Shadow the Hedgehog, and LOVED Rush, but this was just Sega ass raping us. I mean, they didn't even buy me flowers. Fuckers. The game is insanely frustrating. You land every jump perfect, stay in First the entire Race, then Right before the finish line, some dick gets a 500MPH speed boost for no reason and beats you. If this was Mario Kart, that wouldn't be too bad since 2nd and 3rd are acceptable places. WHOA, not in Riders. You have to score 1st EVERY TIME. 2nd? Too bad, start over bitch.

The CPU knows all the shortcuts. And they USE them. So the first 20 runs through a stage are figuring out how they get half the track ahead of you. The next 475 runs are you trying to beat them. The 2nd to last level literally took me two days to beat. Then the Boss took me one attempt. It's fucked up, I know. This is worst than Heroes. Heroes was Ocarina of Time compared to this. It's awful, don't buy it, don’t rent it, don't even look directly at it. Sega really needs to clean up their act if they intend on keeping their audience. Sonic has been sub-par flatly, at this rate we'll NEVER get Shenmue 3, and they have horrible management with PSO. Unless something happened on the precious Japanese sever, they didn't give a fuck. Guess what, when you leave the American Servers, and let them go totally ape shit, the Kids with Cheat Devices spill over.

Why can't Sega just make more Rush Titles? Or Sonic Adventure? Innovation sucks. Fucking stop it. I want Sonic Adventure 3 damnit. Honestly, I'm listening to "Space Trip Steps" right now. These games were fucking awesome. But it’s like Sega doesn't know how to handle their own mascot now. And the Second week Dreamcast started to outsell the PS2, they fucking end it. The Conclusion I've come to is that Sega is now run by 20 people, including voice actors, that are just seeing how far they can ride the wave before the tide goes out.

Nintendo just ain't what it used to be. Period.

Capcom still makes great games. Their Megaman Series never go wrong aside from MMX7.I've liked all of them. I even entered EXE with EXTREME PREJUDICE, still came out loving it. But MM Zero is still better. The game is challenging, but never frustrating. You get your ass kicked, then try again and do things a little different. Why do these games get low reviews? Is Capcom not giving enough money to these Magazines? I think gamers are just pussies now. If the game doesn't beat itself, they whine and rate it low. Either that or if Sonic's in it, It's Great. If Sonic wasn't in SA and it was some losers I'd never heard of, no I probably wouldn't like it as much. I'll openly admit that. But if I'd played it, I'd still like it. Why? Not only because I'm a vicious fanboy, but because the characters are interesting. I want to see what Knuckles does. I want to hear about Eggman's new plan. I want to become a Big Sega Fan, but they won't let me. They have a barricade made out of unsold Billy Hatcher and PSO Episode 3 CDs.

Whose fucking idea was it to turn Phantasy Star Online into a god damned card game? Were they on Crack? I understand the Folly that was MMX7. 3D doesn't work in that series, but that was a MISTAKE. It looks good on paper. How the fuck did making PSO a card game look good? Sega, fucking do something. Please, I want to be a fan, but you guys are just fucking me. I have faith that you'll make another great game, a game that will change the world. Terrorists and Americans will hold hands and Dance to the music, and wars will be settled with multi player mode. Make Sonic Adventure 3 you mother fuckers.