Rant 9: World Domination 20 years Ago

Written June 12th, 2006

 

It's been awhile, so it's time for another rant. I've been ranty lately. And wanted to start writing again. After so long of doing sprite comics alot of my creative juices build up, and it's kinda of like masturbating, for my brain. Anyway, today we're going to cover something fun, 80's Cartoon villains. The ones that build a laser cannon on a hill and somehow expect to take over the world with it. Or are just evil for the fuck of it.

Like Captain Planet's Villains. they just pollute basically because they're douche bags. Sometimes they make a little cash on the side, but they end up taking extra measures to make as many toxic chemicals as possible. Apparently they just don't have anything better to do. On another note with this cartoon what the fuck where they thinking when they gave the kids their Rings? The Rowdy irresponsible American got Fire. Oh, that's fucking brilliant. It's amazing he only ended up nearly killing himself a few times. But the one I really feel sorry for is the little Indian Kid that got Heart. That must be the gayest power ever. He was always left out of the fights since he couldn't do anything except make villains feel bad about what they did. Which actually worked sometimes. Good thing their Villains weren't just plain Evil at their cores. I have a feeling they wouldn't do very good against people like Geese Howard, or Even Shredder. And what the fuck was up with Captain Planet himself? He wore a shirt and red underwear. "Stop Bad Men....Stoppit...." He was obviously a raging Homosexual. I have nothing against gay people, but this guy was just beating the audience over the head with it. "Yay, the rain forest is safe for another day! Isn't that Fabulous?!"

 

Now for my personal favorite as a Kid. The Ninja Fucking Turtles. And if the Child inside you just said "Yaaaay!" Go to obscurezodiac.com. I don't normally push sites in my rants, but they have a Good Fan comic. Anyway, the Ninja Turtles just plain kicked ass in the Comics. They stabbed mother fuckers, Beat the Shit out of Gang members, and basically just killed anyone who fucked with them. Just like it should have been. But then when we get to the cartoon, Shredder gets away every single fucking time with maybe a bruise. And it's not because he's just an awesome kick ass fighter like in the Comics and movies, he's incompetent as hell. In the Movie he beat all 4 turtles with very little effort. Then Splinter came and beat him with a single counter. This IS acceptable because Splinter was an equal to Shredder, and Shredder just wasn't thinking clearly when he charged the giant Rat while running toward the edge of a Building. Splinter probably could have just side stepped and won. But when we get back to the Cartoons they never even TRY to kill him. The worst they do is maybe throw a trash can at him, or leapfrog over him and push his helmet down a tad. Whooptie-fucking-doo. That'll stop him for a grand total of 4 seconds. Even Bebop and Rocksteady fight better than shredder. Those two could normally each keep two turtles Busy apiece; although later in the series they became useless as well. In the Early ones they're pulling fucking parking meters out of the Ground and swinging them around effortlessly. Later a banana peel can kick both of their asses. Shredder's plans rarely made sense anyway though. In one he builds a device that can control electronics. This could be REALLY well used if say, you get your hands on a fucking Tank. But Shredder instead ended up controlling appliances. "HAHAHA! I have control of your Dryer! Now your clothes will still be soggy! HAHAHA!" Good job dumb ass, that'll certainly take over New York.

G.I. Joe was aside from the fact that even with all the shooting no one EVER gets hit. If these guys are America’s best how the fuck did we actually ever win a war? Did all the Enemy bases just happen to have a net full of cargo to shoot down and Drop on the enemy? You know, that would actually kill them. Like SPLATTER kill. It'd be like dropping a concrete block on a water balloon filled with Tomato soup.

Now onto the Old Zelda Cartoons. Poor Link, no matter what he did he never got any. And He tried so damn hard. The only one that he ever could have nailed was that little Fairy, which understandably he had no interest in. Zelda was a fucking tease. She got off to messing with Link. "OK Link, I'll REALLY kiss you this time...ZOMG! TEH WIND LOL! MAYBE NEXT TIME!" A Kiss isn't even that big of a deal. It's not like he was pressuring her for Sex or anything. He wanted a Fucking peck on the Cheek. And Gannon was just a dumb fuck. He even caught Link on a few occasions, but he insisted on just putting him in ajar or something. What's with these guys and even TRYING to kill their enemies?! In Lupin they at least mention that Zenigatta and Lupin have an unsaid agreement that neither of them wants to kill the other. But Lupin was a thief, and Zen was a Cop, it's not like either was really dangerous. Gannon's trying to take over the world and enslave its inhabitants; I think killing one pesky Hylian isn't that much of a character stretch. Even considering that Link didn't think twice about smoking Gannon's Hog Hide. But unfortunately Gannon just keeps respawning. And even though apparently there's only two triforces even though even the name itself says THREE, Link is never able to get the Triforce of power. He's even within reach a few times but Zelda pulls him away with some shitty excuse. 'Hurry Link! The Cave is collapsing!" "Damnit woman, in the time you stopped me to explain that we could have just grabbed the mother fucker and Ran!" It must be because she's Blonde. Or she likes the attention she gets, and that's why she always lets Gannon keep the only thing that can stop him for good. Traitorous Bitch.